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It's been a dream of Greener's for many a year to get to this rally but we've never been able to get a crew together what with it falling smack in the middle of two of our usual rally dates, the Stonedskis and the Farmyard. This year though, with the Stonedskis having a year off and us all being a bit under awed with the Farmyard's new layout last year, a bunch of us decided to go for it and see what all the fuss was about.

For those who don't get out much, The Perverts are a rally club to whom it seems, the fact that your a filthy bastard is much more important a membership requirement than whether you ride a bike or not. They're often to be seen at bike rallys where they tend to stand out as the women, if anything, are wearing only thigh length boots and maybe a couple of thongs between them and have their captive, naked (but for gimp mask) males on a leash attached to their pierced williams. Odd bunch.

Any way our merry band consisted of mesel, Greener, his missus Janet doing her first ever rally, Dave Luke and Tracey, Fordy and Marie, Purdie and Anne, Kev Gaines and Sparticus and we even had a guest appearance from Adam who was made an honorary Shite Shag years ago and hasn't been seen since, until now, Perv.

We had an uneventful trip down really, apart from Greener dropping his Fazer Thou outside Lukey's gaff and busting his fairing a bit. Nowt a bit of gaffer tape purloined from Washington services couldn't patch up though and after that we had a nice steady ride south stopping only to fuel up at some services near Wakefield due to my Trumpet having a tank range half that of everybody else's.

The rally was a piece of piss to find so only Dave, Greener and the girls got lost and as Purdie had travelled down the day before, we had the best spot on the field, Champion!

The Pervs gave each of us a goody bag on entry and along with the usual bin bag/arm band etc, such wonders to be found were, a Telly Tubbies umbrella, back sac and crack wax kits, various potions, lotions and lubricants a blindfold and all manner of other things. Bizarre! And we hadn't had a drink yet!

Up till now we'd been lulled into a false sense of security see, on the field sat about the tents having a beer and shooting the breeze we could have been at a pleasant summer rally anywhere, whereas 200 yds away in and around the hall, the debauchery had started, with all manner of creatures running around in various states of undress. This disgraceful behaviour only got worse as the weekend wore on and by 3pm on Saturday the Mistress and her coven were out with their whips forcing male rally virgins out of the safety of the crowd and onto the grass where they were stripped of their clothes before being wrapped in cling film, having large strap on appendages fitted to them and thrown onto the ground whereupon female rally virgins were invited to partake of a game of dick hoopla. Looked more than a tad sore to me. I went for a beer.

On my return things were much more interesting. Oh yes, the wet T shirt had begun! Paps of every conceivable shape were there to behold, the winner by popular consent (or at least a load of whoopin and hollerin) was 'Small but perfectly formed" a young lady of the gothic persuasion who hopefully you'll see pictured hereabouts. Taking a well deserved 2nd place was a girl name of Bendy Wendy who tried her damnedest to win, even standing on her head at one point so we could see the underside of her dirty pillows too. Top effort that girl!

The cock competition wasn't nearly as interesting and once I'd had my bike washed by some willing Pervert wenches the fun was almost over.

Not!! This was the lull before the storm where everyone seemed to head for there tents and appear transmogrified into another being or more often as not another sex at any rate. Within an hour, anyone wearing such fripperies as T shirt and jeans looked as out of place as a turd on a dinner plate.

The bike show was a top idea, It was a best on field affair rather than an organised bike show and all winners were photographed and put on a screen on the main stage so you could see what'd won rather than hunting for the owner to do a ride through, marvellous. Satda nights headline band BeeleJoos or summat were the biggest load of shite I've seen in ages and combined with the fact that the sound man all weekend did the bands no justice and the fact I was burnt to a cinder I decided on an early night so I'm afraid you'll just have to check out the photies and imagine the rest for yourselves.

By the way, Greener, who along with the moniker GS Paul is also now known as Boob Inspector by the way so if you see him swingin his camera and wearing his official hat, be sure to whap them out now y'here.

Vin

Rumours of sightings of the lesser spotted (more tartan'd) Sparticus may or may not be completely unfounded. Who knows….